September is suicide awareness month, which that awareness is greatly needed, but the stark reality is this is a daily battle for far too many. Survivors of sex trafficking and sexual assault are at an even higher rate then the general population. You always hear people say suicide is selfish, that how could they only think about themselves or that it is the coward’s way out which is so much further from the truth.
Many people who suffer with suicidal ideation deep down don’t want to die, they are the ones that always try to put everyone else first when really, they just want the pain to end and to feel somewhat okay even in their own skin. What would you do or better yet how would you feel if your mind was constantly playing tricks on you, and you really don’t see a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. When your mind is constantly telling you the world and those around you would be better off if you were not part of it. You feel like a burden to everyone around you and don’t want to bother them with what plays over and over in your mind, or you think they have way too much on their plate to handle you. You believe all the lies that have been told to you: you’re too hard to love, it is exhausting dealing with you, you overreact about everything, you need to try harder, you will never be good enough and the list goes on and on. It is extremely hard to reach out when you are in that state of mind, just wishing there was someone who understood. Someone that would rather sit with you for however long it took in silence or even possibly talk about what is going on and how you are truly feeling just to know that they would rather have you here than to have to live without you.
Someone that won’t care if it is the same battles over and over again, who is not going to get tired of hearing it or say just get over it. It is so hard and terrifying to take that first step and let down your guard just a little bit to start to let someone in to see just a glimpse of your reality. It is even more frightening to show just how vulnerable you are, as well as how much hurt and pain you actually are feeling. Somewhere along the way society has taught us we need to fake it tell you make it, keep the mask on and pretend you are fine. No one will accept you if you break down and show you are struggling or in need of help.
This should not be how it works. It should be allowed for someone to say they are not okay without any repercussions or judgement. For anyone struggling, I encourage you to be brave enough to speak up. Start to build a reliable, safe and trustworthy support system for yourself. We cannot get through this life by ourselves, we all need help at different points in our lives. Is it going to be easy…… no not all I, myself struggle with it daily but I have to keep trying to remember I am here for a reason even when I have no clue what that reason is yet.
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